That four letter word, again.

I have cautioned myself to be alive,
To be consciously aware enough to thrive,
To kill my heart's depths and be a thinker
Of contemporary affairs and such momentary trifles.
I have tried my best to make my heart want
Anything but another human being.
I have pushed and thrust my imagination
To go beyond my life and this scene.
You know what is coming now and I know you won't be surprised
When I tell you my nightly mares and the pit in the morns, inside.

Oh, don't I want to love you like I used to?
Yes, I do and more than I wanted to!
I want to love you with a passion so fierce
My heart cries out in fear while it bleeds!
I want to love you like I could sing
The highest note I could with all the strength in my abdomen!
I want to love you to want you to be with me,
Want it so much that I hold on to my hand imagining it to be yours.
I want to love you like I could write for days and years
While sleep and hunger become just mere inconveniences.
I want to love you so much,
The desire threatens to break my heart and burst my brain.

Why do I want to love you and not really love you, love?
Why do I stop from throwing myself at this opportunity
To give in to how much I want to love you, love?

It is so that my heart is weak.
It won't stand another blow,
The way I kept incessantly stabbing at it with my love.

I long for the day to have recovered from the injury,
Like a dancer who waits to play on those feet after a fall.
I long for that day when I can, once again,
Pluck at those metaphorical strings to a new tune.
I long to see what or who will compel me to dust my harp off,
I hope I don't let it rust till then.